During the deepest part of my first eight weeks of grieving, after losing mum and dad 26 days apart, many beautiful and caring words were spoken to me, but the ones I found myself noticing most were also some of the simplest:
“You’ve been through a lot.”
Tonight I have been pondering why those words brought me so much comfort, and I think it was because it simply acknowledged the truth.
“You’ve been through a lot.”
When my immediate family, cousins or friends called and said those words in that moment it reminded me to recognise what that immediate deep grieving season is about and that I needed to take especially tender care of myself for a while (as did they of course - they were feeling deep loss and shock also).
Sometimes, when we are grieving, we can feel an unspoken pressure to keep functioning as though our hearts, mind and body have not just been asked to absorb something deeply life-changing, and we may try to remain sociable and bubbly and somehow continue being the person we were before loss entered the room.
But grief asks a great deal of us at certain moments, and our minds are trying to understand the reality of this new normal, our bodies are carrying stress, shock and sorrow, our hearts are reaching instinctively for someone who is no longer physically there but so deeply loved, and everyday moments can become incredibly heavy because they contain memories and reminders of all that has changed.
So when someone says, “You’ve been through a lot,” it can feel like being seen. It tells us that we are not weak because we are so sad, that we are not failing because we don’t feel like going out, and that we do not need to justify why some days require fewer expectations and a little more kindness towards ourselves.
“You’ve been through a lot.”
I can not take away the pain, my own or anyone else’s, because every love and every loss carries its own depth, but I can acknowledge that something immense has happened and that we all deserve the gentleness, patience and care that such a loss requires.
“You have been through a lot.”
You do not need to rush anywhere, defend your tears or apologise for needing space, and you are allowed to move more slowly, change your plans, protect your energy and care for yourself with the same compassion you would so readily offer someone else.
And if you are supporting someone who is grieving and you do not know what to say, you do not need to find perfect words. Sometimes the words that bring the greatest comfort are the ones that simply honour the truth:
“You’ve been through a lot, and I’m here.”
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